For those who have been actually reading my blog (waves to Hubby) I guess it's time to touch on the one topic I haven't really caught you up on... My marriage.
Now bear with me for you new readers and those who had no idea that anything like this was ever happening, we weren't ones to post our business, it was kept private.
In the fall of 2014 and spring of 2015, our marriage and life as we knew it hit rock bottom. Maybe later I'll go into the details, but there's really no need to describe who did what. He wasn't doing what he should have been, I made some very poor choices, and together we fell apart and hit rock bottom.
The difference however, was that he hung in there and stayed strong, and as he grew in his relationship with God, he was provided with the strength for his relationship with me. I, on the other hand, must admit, did not go this route. This area of my life is where I learned several things the long and hard way.
1. "Just follow your heart"
... No. Just no. Sounds great, sure. But I can guarantee you it's a bad idea. And in today's society I'm sure I sound ludacris.
The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?
Jeremiah 17:9
And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.
Ezekiel 36:26
Why would God need to replace our heart if it was good at making decisions? Our heart is of the world and the world is wicked.
Hubby tried to tell me, but honestly it just pushed me further away because it was not what I wanted to hear. It did not make me
FEEL good.
And that's it. The heart is all about feeling. Let's think about it. How many good decisions are made based on feeling? Not many I assure you. happiness, sadness, anger, lust. Any decision made with anger as it's inspiration is not going to end well. Happiness doesn't sound too bad. No, but it's selfish. Making decisions based solely on your happiness leaves others in the dust and usually leaves a path of destruction that will ultimately lead to unhappiness. That is where I was.
I'm not saying your heart is all bad. But we were given a mind too. They balance each other. The brain provides the logic to control the emotions, while the heart softens the logic to provide compassion and empathy.
I had to make the decision to do the right and logical thing, not what I felt like doing at the time.
Now looking back, I'm 100% convinced it was the best decision and I'm so happy I did. I couldn't imagine what my life would be like had I chosen differently.
2. Love is not a feeling.
It's an action. Let's use it in a sentence (yay, a grammar lesson).
I love Hubby. I is the subject. Love is the verb. The what? the verb! Feelings and emotions are not verbs. I happy Hubby?? No. I anger Hubby? No. I love Hubby. It is the verb in this sentence. And we must treat it like a verb in our lives and in our marriage.
It can also be a noun. (I'm gonna do this from memory, Hubby and I have been working on memorization as a form of worship)
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy or boast. It is not rude
or arrogant. It does not insist on its own way. It is not irritable or resentful
It does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in truth.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
So love is something we do and something we show.
Which leads me to my next point.
3. Mommy was right.
My parents are smart people. They've been married for going on 26 years now, and one of the biggest lessons my mom taught me, that stuck with me, and has proven extremely helpful, is that
love is a choice.
Yup. I'm sorry if that takes away from this fairy tale image you have of your (present or future) marriage. The butterflies will go away. Your heart won't always melt. That "puppy dog love" you hear all the old people warn you about, it exists and it fades.
And what happens then? People all of a sudden realize that they don't like this person, with all their peculiarities and annoyances. They don't like the way they talk, or fold their tee-shirts, or brush their teeth. They forget that this guy is the most romantic guy they've ever met and are constantly reminded about how irresponsible he is. They forget how thoughtful she is and focus on her nagging.
Let me lay this out for you. 2014 was our 3rd wedding anniversary and 5th year together. We had 2 kids, he had a job, and I was in school. And we lived together. But that is all it had become. We had become so settled into everyday life that not only did we forget and stop noticing all the things that made us love each other, but we were only noticing the negative, when he forgot to take out the trash, when I snapped at him for doing something his way instead of my way. We became "room-mates" and co-parents, with no real relationship between us.
Now I didn't choose to not love him. I just hadn't
chosen to love him. Did you catch that? And not choosing to love him was the same as choosing to not love him. Hard to follow, but stay with me. We teach our church teens the same about their decision to follow Christ. Not choosing one way or another -to follow Christ or to not follow Christ- is in fact choosing to
NOT follow Christ. Unless I chose to love Hubby, I wasn't loving him. You have to make a daily effort to love your spouse. There's that verb again. Wake up in the morning and choose to kiss your husband before work. Choose to make her a cup of coffee when you make yours, even though she left a sink full of dishes. Choose to pack his lunch even though the trash can is full. Choose to find a way to help him overcome his procrastination. Choose to help her become a calmer and more patient parent and wife. All these choices mean love. All these choices show love. And without these choices, there isn't love. And without love, a relationship grows cold and stagnant. It shrivels and necroses.
If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am but a noisy gong and a clanging symbol.
If I have prophetic powers and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and have all faith so to move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give away all that I have and deliver my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.
1 Corinthians 13:1-3
It does not matter how nice you are to a person. Up until my poor choices in the fall of 2014, I had done nothing mean or hurtful to Hubby. But for who knows how long, we were not making the effort to love and our relationship had become nothing.
And oddly enough this same concept is how I am still here. I did not choose to stay. But I never fully committed to the choice to leave. If you're inside, and you haven't decided to go outside or stay inside, you are, in fact, still inside. So not deciding, is deciding. And by staying even without making the decision to stay, I was exposed to Hubby's efforts and choice to love me. And I'm sad to admit it stayed one sided for a while. Too long, in fact. A year later I hit my knees in tears in our bedroom, begging my Lord to rid my heart and mind of everything that I was allowing to hold me back from choosing to love Hubby and being the wife he deserved. And our God is an amazing God. I declared, in His name, that the devil and his trickery ways had no place in my heart, my life, my home, and my marriage.
A month later Hubby and I decided and conceived our 3rd child, and have been growing closer ever since (almost a year ago, today). We were blessed with an amazing home for our growing family as well as so many other things along the way. I am so thankful that God was there for Hubby through and then there for me and I am thankful for my family and what it is today.
God knows it would be chaos had I chosen otherwise.
So now, daily, I make the effort to show Hubby that I love him. Sometimes it's easy, some days its hard and I have to take a deep breath, calm down, and I make myself do one thing nice and loving for him anyway.
I choose love.
