Suffering, Endurance, Character, Hope

Y'all, I'm in love with my future career.  And I know what you're thinking... this started out as a SAHM blog.  And I'm sorry to disappoint y'all, I'll have to change the description of the blog, though really it will be filled with the same type of random "momness".
God has given me a passion for childbirth and for caring for people.  He has opened the doors that have led me here, in my final semester of nursing school, completing 180 hours of preceptorship on the labor and delivery floor of one of our local hospitals.
And I love it!  He has really filled me with a heart for this passion.  I wouldn't dare turn away from His gift, and the more I give in to it, the more it flourishes, and the more it flourishes, the more I grow, and the more I grow, the more Glory to God.

And while I love it, of course, the devil just can't stand it.  He's got to try to get his hands in it somehow.  First it was doubt.  Doubt that leaving my babies to go back to school was the right thing.  But through trust and prayer, God would admonish those doubts, over and over again.

Some of my favorite pieces of encouragement
from my Great-Aunt Peggy (nursing school teacher out in Texas)
& my sweetest Lil' Brother

Then it was the attack on my marriage (another post, I promise).  And I gotta hand it to that roaring lion, he found me not being sober or vigilant and nearly devoured me (1Peter 5:8). BUT (I love God's "buts")

10  And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, 

who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, 

will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. (ESV)

Then there was that one difficult semester this past spring where I was really worried about making it. But really there was no sense in worrying.  

And now, I feel as though he's trying again to get me down.  I'm having a bit of a struggle regarding some of the details of my preceptorship (there's no need to describe them).  But, I laugh at his weak attempt.  I am firmly planted in my Lord and He has made me strong in this gift, and has given me the patience to look past this difficulty and still learn and grow in this field and flourish as a soon to be nurse.  I'm only about 25% done with my hours, so I'm sure he'll keep bringing the heat, and I will continue to soak in God's word and prepare myself for that moment.

I really wanted to brag share with you how awesome my husband and his journey with God has been.  I mentioned in my last post that he is ordained to the work of the gospel ministry.  But his faith and walk was evident long before he accepted that calling.  His response to most of my whining and venting was biblical verse.  

So I wanted to pay it forward so to speak.  Today we had to update our teacher on how things were going with clinical.  I told her everything and how I felt about it all and she of course wanted to see about switching me somewhere else (that devil tryna' me keep from that place where God put me, I tell ya).  I told her I would rather tolerate my issue (which I've been doing) and stay at the same facility rather than move.  Hubs agreed, but God used him to send in a bit more encouragement, to which I passed on to my teacher.

Not only that but we rejoice in suffering,

 knowing that suffering produces endurance, 

and endurance produces character, 

and character produces hope, 

and hope does not put us to shame

 because God's love has been poured into our hearts 

through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

 Romans 5:3-5 (ESV)

I mean how perfect of a response.  

Troubles will always come our way.  Life will always try to get you down.  It's part of the fall of man (Genesis 3) and it is why we have been given Jesus.  Our faith and trust in God doesn't make life all rosey.  It actually usually makes us a target for satan's attacks.  Our faith and trust does, however, lead us to fulfill Romans 5, verses 3 through 5.  So next time you ask "why me?" as you're standing in the valley, in the pouring rain without an umbrella, remember, you serve (or can choose to serve) an awesome and mighty God who provides a way through, patience and endurance.  And that He uses that patience and endurance to grow and refine us so we can see through to a brighter future with Him. 

And then we can paint

Everyone keeps telling me I need to journal.  They keep saying it's a great stress reliever and will help get my day off my chest.
I'll put it this way.
I ain't got time to journal.
Seriously.  I've been away from the blog for far too long.  And I guess I'll "journal" here.
So here's what you've missed in a nutshell.
I beat my battle with postpartum depression.  I went back to school to complete my nursing degree.  I almost got a divorce.  With the help of God, we rebuilt our marriage (this will definitely be a post for another time).  Hubs started a wonderful career.  We bought a house! Hubs got ordained. #preacherswifestatus.  We decided to add to our family and what a blessing that has been.

And I graduate in less than 3 months.
There ya go. You're caught up on the basics of the last 3 years.

I'll focus in on the last point I made.  I graduate in less than 3 months.
Today was a "day off" which really just means I do schoolwork at home all day.  I get to cuddle with my Dumplin' -don't worry, I'll introduce her to y'all soon enough- and do homework at my desk.  I've got a nice little system set up.  I have a great new office chair thats between my desk and Dumplin's pack-n-play.
Anyway.  I also had to take a load of items to drop off at the local bi-annual consignment sale *I outgrew like, all of my clothes with pregnancy #3*.  My plan was to drop off, grab a few groceries, return home for the rest of my assignment.  All was going as planned.  Until I was tagged in a Facebook post by Bug and Peanut's child development center stating that the power company was shutting off the power for maintenance at 3 pm.  Awesome.
No worries.  I was in town, so I would go get my babies.
And then I got home.  With all THREE children. And only a few hours to finish a lengthy assignment that is due tomorrow.  My anxiety quickly rose as I attempted to anwer questions and needs of the older two and calm my fussy darling -reflux, boo- and type out my assignment all at the same time.
I raised my voice at the kids.  I basically told them to be quiet and go play somewhere else.  I was supposed to have 3 more preschooler free hours to do work before I cooked dinner and hung out with them. I continued to blow them off and get on them for being loud and waking the baby.
I can admit it.  I was a mean mom today.  I wasn't very loving and nurturing. I wasn't patient or kind.
But one of the things I have learned over the last 3 years is to not be too hard on myself.  So I can admit that I didn't mom well this evening.
No, that doesn't mean I get a free pass.  But the bible tells us that "all have fallen short of the glory of God".  God knew I wouldn't mom well today.  He expects my imperfection.   But thank God I find redemption in His son, Jesus.  He forgives me.  And because of that, I can expect my imperfections too, even while I strive to be worthy of His grace and mercy and redemption, I know I'll never be. It is Jesus that covers my imperfections and makes me better.  He is the change in me that lately has become evident.  I do have more patience with the kids.  You would think adding another child during my final and jammed packed semester of nursing school would create more anxiety and more chaos but He has made me a better mom, wife, friend, and student.  It's truly by a miracle that I'm able to stay caught up and sometimes ahead on my assignments while keeping my cool with my family.
So tonight, after Dumplin' was fed and laid down for the night, I went in and laid down on top of Bug, to elicit an adorable gasping giggle that I was smothering her and why was I laying on her.
And I apologized.
I told my baby girl that I was sorry that mommy was mean today.  That sometimes mommy gets mean when I have too much homework.  But one day I wouldn't have homework. That before Christmas, they would get to see mommy walk the stage and graduate and I would no longer have to bring my work home with me.  That I could be home and be with them.  She lit up "And then we can paint?!" Yup.  Then I can do whatever y'all want to do with me. It would be the best Christmas present ever.  And then I went in and did the same with Peanut.  I apologized.
I let my babies know that I knew mommy behaved poorly and I let them know I was sorry for it.

I've said all that to say this.
Mamas, cut yourself some slack.
You were a bad mom today.  You yelled at your kids during 95% of your interactions this evening.  You didn't get dinner cooked.  They didn't get baths.  You didn't joyfully acknowledge their coloring.

But nobody loves them like you do.  Nobody is burdened by the level of care you are constantly thinking about.  Nobody else is going over what they are going to need in every aspect for the next day.  Nobody else can recite every detail on command (for example, Peanut is lactose intolerant, so at any given moment, I have to proclaim he can't have something by recognizing that it has dairy in it).  You put all your energy into making sure they have everything they need and everything they want, even before they know and usually without them ever knowing.  You cut up the oranges into snack baggies and put into the snack drawer in the fridge after noticing your daughter chow down on oranges at a party.  You keep the snack drawer full.  You wash their favorite costume while they sleep so it'll be clean when they wear it 3 days in a row.  You find joy in bringing home a toy with their favorite character that will light up their face.
Don't fret, tired mama.  You love your babies more than anyone ever could.  And they love you.  They cherish you.  They adore you.  They annoy you so, simply because they can't stand to not share every little moment with you.  They may not actively acknowledge your hard and tiresome worrying and work, but they see you.  Your behind the scenes nurturing is forming their world, their minds, their hearts.  They see you and the difference you make.  And you're important to them.
So you had a bad day?  Let them know.  When it's all over and you look back at the day and realize you didn't mom well, own up to it. They need to know that you're bad sometimes too, but they love you anyway, so they can relate that even they're bad, you love them anyway.  ask them to forgive you.
Then ask God to forgive you and pray He uses your poor momming to strengthen you to mom better the next day.  And know that God loves you.

I look forward to graduating and being free of bringing my work home with me.
And then, my babies, we can paint.