I'll put it this way.
I ain't got time to journal.
Seriously. I've been away from the blog for far too long. And I guess I'll "journal" here.
So here's what you've missed in a nutshell.
I beat my battle with postpartum depression. I went back to school to complete my nursing degree. I almost got a divorce. With the help of God, we rebuilt our marriage (this will definitely be a post for another time). Hubs started a wonderful career. We bought a house! Hubs got ordained. #preacherswifestatus. We decided to add to our family and what a blessing that has been.
There ya go. You're caught up on the basics of the last 3 years.
I'll focus in on the last point I made. I graduate in less than 3 months.
Today was a "day off" which really just means I do schoolwork at home all day. I get to cuddle with my Dumplin' -don't worry, I'll introduce her to y'all soon enough- and do homework at my desk. I've got a nice little system set up. I have a great new office chair thats between my desk and Dumplin's pack-n-play.
Anyway. I also had to take a load of items to drop off at the local bi-annual consignment sale *I outgrew like, all of my clothes with pregnancy #3*. My plan was to drop off, grab a few groceries, return home for the rest of my assignment. All was going as planned. Until I was tagged in a Facebook post by Bug and Peanut's child development center stating that the power company was shutting off the power for maintenance at 3 pm. Awesome.
No worries. I was in town, so I would go get my babies.
And then I got home. With all THREE children. And only a few hours to finish a lengthy assignment that is due tomorrow. My anxiety quickly rose as I attempted to anwer questions and needs of the older two and calm my fussy darling -reflux, boo- and type out my assignment all at the same time.
I raised my voice at the kids. I basically told them to be quiet and go play somewhere else. I was supposed to have 3 more preschooler free hours to do work before I cooked dinner and hung out with them. I continued to blow them off and get on them for being loud and waking the baby.
I can admit it. I was a mean mom today. I wasn't very loving and nurturing. I wasn't patient or kind.
But one of the things I have learned over the last 3 years is to not be too hard on myself. So I can admit that I didn't mom well this evening.
No, that doesn't mean I get a free pass. But the bible tells us that "all have fallen short of the glory of God". God knew I wouldn't mom well today. He expects my imperfection. But thank God I find redemption in His son, Jesus. He forgives me. And because of that, I can expect my imperfections too, even while I strive to be worthy of His grace and mercy and redemption, I know I'll never be. It is Jesus that covers my imperfections and makes me better. He is the change in me that lately has become evident. I do have more patience with the kids. You would think adding another child during my final and jammed packed semester of nursing school would create more anxiety and more chaos but He has made me a better mom, wife, friend, and student. It's truly by a miracle that I'm able to stay caught up and sometimes ahead on my assignments while keeping my cool with my family.
So tonight, after Dumplin' was fed and laid down for the night, I went in and laid down on top of Bug, to elicit an adorable gasping giggle that I was smothering her and why was I laying on her.
And I apologized.
I told my baby girl that I was sorry that mommy was mean today. That sometimes mommy gets mean when I have too much homework. But one day I wouldn't have homework. That before Christmas, they would get to see mommy walk the stage and graduate and I would no longer have to bring my work home with me. That I could be home and be with them. She lit up "And then we can paint?!" Yup. Then I can do whatever y'all want to do with me. It would be the best Christmas present ever. And then I went in and did the same with Peanut. I apologized.
I let my babies know that I knew mommy behaved poorly and I let them know I was sorry for it.
I've said all that to say this.
Mamas, cut yourself some slack.
You were a bad mom today. You yelled at your kids during 95% of your interactions this evening. You didn't get dinner cooked. They didn't get baths. You didn't joyfully acknowledge their coloring.
But nobody loves them like you do. Nobody is burdened by the level of care you are constantly thinking about. Nobody else is going over what they are going to need in every aspect for the next day. Nobody else can recite every detail on command (for example, Peanut is lactose intolerant, so at any given moment, I have to proclaim he can't have something by recognizing that it has dairy in it). You put all your energy into making sure they have everything they need and everything they want, even before they know and usually without them ever knowing. You cut up the oranges into snack baggies and put into the snack drawer in the fridge after noticing your daughter chow down on oranges at a party. You keep the snack drawer full. You wash their favorite costume while they sleep so it'll be clean when they wear it 3 days in a row. You find joy in bringing home a toy with their favorite character that will light up their face.
Don't fret, tired mama. You love your babies more than anyone ever could. And they love you. They cherish you. They adore you. They annoy you so, simply because they can't stand to not share every little moment with you. They may not actively acknowledge your hard and tiresome worrying and work, but they see you. Your behind the scenes nurturing is forming their world, their minds, their hearts. They see you and the difference you make. And you're important to them.
So you had a bad day? Let them know. When it's all over and you look back at the day and realize you didn't mom well, own up to it. They need to know that you're bad sometimes too, but they love you anyway, so they can relate that even they're bad, you love them anyway. ask them to forgive you.
Then ask God to forgive you and pray He uses your poor momming to strengthen you to mom better the next day. And know that God loves you.
And then, my babies, we can paint.
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